She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
