what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
