im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
