I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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