I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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