I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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