jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
