Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Randomize
