i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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