You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
