I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
