Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
