So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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