before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
