We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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