He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
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