On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Randomize
