Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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