One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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