So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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