well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize