Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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