apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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