I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
