So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We need to rekindle our bromance
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
