I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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