So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Green mimosas i think yes
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
