New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
