the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
