Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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