I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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