she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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