your parents love me but you hate me
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
