hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
