she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
