i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
