we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize