I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
