i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize