why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
