I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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