i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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