Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize