Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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