I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Randomize
