You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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