I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
