I accidentally burped into my bong.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
