You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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