I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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