Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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