He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
