so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize