first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm like, not good at living.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
