He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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