I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
