i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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