between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
