4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
