If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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