remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
