i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
