Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize