Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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