She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
