She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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