My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
