I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
she looked like the before picture.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
