obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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