She is in my trunk
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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