i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
